


Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Idiots

by lia_bezdomny



Series: Parental Problems. [2]
Category: Cherik - Fandom, X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Cherik - Freeform, Crack, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Poor Hank, Protective Erik, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 20:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4494000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lia_bezdomny/pseuds/lia_bezdomny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Azazel wants to do, is propose to Raven. His plan is foiled by Alex, who decides to use Jakob's newly manifested powers to go into the weed dealing business.<br/>Of course everything goes wrong, and the fury of Jakob's family and friends is unleashed. Because nobody messes with their little monkey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Idiots

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, crack, fluff and Beasty abuse. I really like him, I swear.
> 
> As evidenced by the title, this one is inspired by "Lock, Stock and two smoking Barrels.
> 
> All the marijuana slang and informations were taken from Wikipedia or out of Cypress Hill songs.

“Damn it, Hank! For someone who smokes that much weed, you know shit about growing.” Alex looked at the dead marijuana plants.

“I don't know how this happened! I watered them according to plan...” “And which plan was that, Bozo? The one they used to built Seaworld?”

“No,” the young scientist replied, blissfully unaware of Alex' sarcasm. “Dr. Greenthumb's grow tips, in and out.”

“What are you doing?” A smiling Jakob, appeared behind them. Frantically, they both tried to block the boy's view.

“Nothing Jakey. Why don't you go back to the house?” “I can't, I'm playing hide and seek with uncle Azazel. Your flowers are sick.”

“Yes,” Hank exclaimed. “They are sick and we need to make them well again...” Before he could finish, Jake reached out to the plants.

“There, there.” The little one said and touched one of the stems. “I have to go now so Azazel won't find me too soon. Bye.” He waved his tail and left.

“Bye, Jake.” They waved back and turned to their horticultural project. Among the dried up plants was an exquisite four foot five Purple.

“Did he just resurrect a plant?!” Hank couldn't believe his eyes. “The little monkey is the freaking Jesus of reefer.”

“That is amazing, the first manifestation of another mutation. We need to tell Charles.” “Are you insane? If Erik finds out that we let his golden child touch a marijuana plant, we are dead. And I don't mean figuratively. He will end our lives in a cruel way.”

***

“Ha, got you!” Azazel tapped Jake on the shoulder. “Where have you been, little one? It took me longer than usual to find you.” He picked Jake up and hugged him.

“I was hiding with Alex and Hank in their garden. They are not very good with plants.” Azazel grinned knowingly.

“Yes, those two and their plants. Are you hungry?” “Yes! Let's make pancakes!” “Alright.”

Jake, now five years old and Azazel had a special relationship. The Russian was the first person, besides his fathers, who was able to calm him down when he cried as a baby. He also showed Jake how to use his tail to play pranks on people. After that, he quickly became known as uncle Azazel. He was still together with Raven and recently moved into the mansion, a fact Charles begrudgingly accepted. Who was he to judge someone for the person they loved?

“Morning. What are you guy doing?” Raven, dressed in a bathrobe, walked into the kitchen. 

“Good morning, solnyshko.“ Azazel grinned at his girlfriend.

“We make pancakes.” Jake informed his aunt and picked up a spatula with his tail. Raven thought it was utterly cute. 

“Can I have some too?” “Of course, it would be mean if we didn't give you one.” He said in a serious tone. That was  _ so Charles _ . 

“Thank you, Jakey. I'll set the table.” After burning three of the pancakes, they were finally able to sit down and enjoy their breakfast. Jake told Raven about his morning and Alex and Hank. Of course Raven knew what they were growing in the garden. Everybody did, with the exception of Erik, maybe.  


“Raven? How long until daddy and papa are coming back?” “In three days. Do you miss them already?”

“Hmmm... But I also like it with you. Papa doesn't let me eat pancakes on a weekday.” _Of course Erik was the strict parent,_ Raven should have known.

“That is nice to hear. So dig in, Friday is oatmeal day again.” “I like oatmeal too. It has a lot of iron in it.” Azazel had a to bite the inside of his cheek to suppress his laughter. After all, without Erik, he would have never been able to go through with his plan.

 

_One week prior:_

Erik's call came precisely the minute after she got off the phone with Azazel. Of course she knew exactly what Lehnsherr wanted from her.

"I don't see why you are so against it, sugar." Emma rubbed the bridge of her nose. She was getting tired of mediating between the people in the Xavier-Lehnsherr household.

"We never left Jake alone for a week." "Erik, he is five and you not leaving him with the Manson family. What could possibly happen? He is protected by Raven and Azazel. I've seen him disarm ten people in five seconds. Don't you trust them?"

"Yes." _That meant no, obviously. Alright, time to go into a different direction._ "See it as a couples retreat. But without boring trust exercises and lots of sex."

"I'm hanging up now." "Fine, be that way. But I'm telling you if you want to keep your man happy..." The call was disconnected. "Look at that, I struck a nerve." 

Because most of the students, with the exception of Hank and Alex, went home over the summer, Charles agreed to speak at a Genetics conference in Washington and he really wanted Erik to accompany him. His partner of course, was more than unwilling to leave their son, even in the company of his aunt and Azazel. Everyone tried their best to persuade Erik, but in the end, it was Azazel who convinced him to go:

“I want to make an honest woman out of Raven.” “I'm the wrong part of this couple to give you permission, my friend.”

“I know, but if you go with Charles to his conference, we could spent some time alone with Jakey.”

“I get the time alone thing but why do you need my son for that?” “To test our parenting skills.”

“ _Parenting..._?” Erik could see how serious his friend was about this. Hell, he even told him about it, when they had their heart to heart in Emma's restaurant, almost six years ago. Well, it was a German-Russian heart to heart, consisting of Azazel telling him to stop being an idiot and go after Charles. But still, he owed the red Russian big time.

“Okay Azazel. I will go with Charles. But if something happens to Jake, I'm gonna hunt you down like a dog and end you.” “I wouldn't expect anything less from you, comrade.”

***

“So?” Alex was nervous to share the newest strain with Darwin. He even burned one third of the plant, when he tried to dry it with his powers. Not that Darwin was especially intimidating but he knew people who could sell his weed at top prices. Yes, _his_ weed. When he told Hank about his plans, the furball chickened out. His loss.

“Summers, it's hard enough to endure your personality stoned. Would you please let me inhale before you annoy me with questions?” Darwin blew the smoke out of his nose and took another hit. And then another.

“This...” He held up the bong and grinned. “Is the best weed I've ever had. How the hell did you manage to grow that?”

“I didn't. Jake did.” “Jake, as in the spawn of Erik and the Professor? Okay, I bite. Amuse me.”

“Long story short, he can resurrect plants.” “I must be really off my tits right now, because I thought I heard you saying the boy can bring weed back to life.” “You can grow gills. Is this so much harder to believe?”

“Point taken. I'll talk to my boss and see what he thinks about this. If he's down, you are in business.” “Awesome.” Now all Alex had to do, was to get Jake back into the garden, without anyone noticing. What could go wrong?

 


End file.
